freedom

and the anxiety that comes with it

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom”

Kierkegaard

One question almost every model I know dreads, is what are you going to do afterwards? I was always aware that modelling wasn’t forever but I wasn’t expecting the transition into pursuing other things to be so painful. 

For a long time I didn’t have to face this question and when I finally got to a place that I wanted and needed to face it the anxiety was paralysing. As I had been technically self employed, I was under the assumption that throughout my career as a model I exercised my freedom to make my own choices. What I hadn’t acknowledged was how much I had relied on others to help carry the burden of responsibility that having freedom gives or how much impact it had on me to allow other peoples choices to be disguised as my own. 

Making a decision about what I was to do next in my career with the endless possibilities felt impossible. Many people told me how exciting this next chapter was because I could do anything, be anything. I was confused why I didn’t share the same enthusiasm for myself and it struck me how hard I found it to move forward without instruction from somebody else or heavily leaning on others to help me make a decision.

On reflection, it’s easy to see how I became so reliant on others to help me make decisions whilst under the illusion I was exercising the freedom to make my own choices. Like so many other models, I fell into the industry at a young and impressionable age.

I was scouted at 14 and at 16 I was sent on my own to NYC, from my hometown in the UK, for my first attempt at an overseas market. It was on this trip where my eating habits were first scrutinised. During one job we ate lunch at a restaurant where I ordered a steak and fries, I was then told by the client I should think twice about ordering it. It was the first time in a professional setting where a personal choice of mine had been directly challenged. Still navigating early independence, I felt embarrassed at having ordered the ‘wrong’ thing. 

When I was 17 I moved to London. My agent at the time happily took me around the shops in Covent Garden buying me clothes that I should wear to my castings so I was to ‘look right’, keeping track of the expenses which I was to pay back when I started booking work. The list of professionals I was told to see by this particular agent also included a dermatologist for my problematic teenage skin and a doctor to correct an apparent lazy eye (which I didn’t have) that supposedly showed up in photos. I had a choice if I was to take any of this advice but the context in which I was making these choices matters. I was young, easily influenced and navigating a new landscape whilst living away from home trying to financially support myself and eager to please. Ironically, I was wanting independence from my parents but unknowingly I was slowly becoming dependent on the industry. 

I officially moved to NYC when I was 21. Being naturally introverted I was told that I needed to show more personality for the American clients. Not too much like ‘this’ or ‘that’ but to still let my ‘true self shine through’. My adopted uniform for the European market no longer fitted the shiny new American image the agency was trying to portray so I was sent shopping again. It’s confusing being in an industry that supposedly encourages self expression but dictated how I should be. It’s even more confusing when what was dictated was conflicting and changed on a regular basis. I developed chameleon like qualities to appease different clients and markets.

I spent most of my 20s in airports, in hotels and on planes. I would wait for an email or call from my agent with my schedule for the day or week. Sometimes only finding out on the same day that I was to fly internationally. I continued to follow the direction from my agent whilst asking for permission to go on holiday or to change my physical appearance in any way. Even if I had booked time off for personal reasons it was often the case that I was pushed to prioritise work.

What I hadn’t fully understood through out this period was that I had become accustomed in allowing people to make choices for me. I had believed that modelling was just a job but unknowingly it had become who I was.

When it came to thinking about a career outside of modelling, what should have felt empowering, felt so overwhelming. I didn’t know how to express myself or how to be without guidance from the industry. I was fighting between the dependence I had developed on it and freedom I wanted from it. 

I started studying for a degree in Philosophy and Psychology at the beginning of this year. Whilst diving into Existentialism I came across the famous quote by Kierkegaard, who is coined The Father of Existentialism; ‘Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom’. I sat with that quote for a while.

I had already began to slowly push through fear to work on different projects but I found it almost impossible to prioritise other opportunities as I still psychologically left so much space for modelling, just in case a job came up. It hit me that one of the reasons I was clinging onto it and couldn’t move forward was because I used it as a way to hide from fully facing my life and being responsible for my choices, while convincing myself otherwise as I was self employed. I could get away with it too, there was always the addictive lure of the next job and eventually one would come along. It trapped me. The longer I kept prioritising modelling the longer I could wear its mask and it was convenient for me. I believe self deception to be a universal strategy. The alternative, to use Kierkegaard’s word, felt dizzying.

This realisation hasn’t made the transition less painful but it has finally given me the push to prioritise my time differently whilst giving me a greater understanding of myself, which is foundational when it comes to creating myself outside of my identity as a model and external influences. A whole other ride in itself. 

Modelling is a weird and personal journey. I know other people in the industry who have had different experiences to mine, also many who have had very similar. Even with its absurdities, being a model has given me so much and introduced me to some of my closest friends and I’m thankful for it. Two things can be true at once.